The Next Stage (The I Experiment)
I am afraid
I have accumulated a bit of money, I have run on a sprained ankle, punched the wall ‘til my knuckles bleed, wake up at 6 am to climb the mountain, study for endless hours on psychology, personal development, history
I have reached a milestone that allows me to have a runway of at least 6 months of my expenses paid
But I am afraid, two sprained ankles, injured knee, bruised knuckles, enough knowledge and experience to at least be in the company of psychologist, sociologist, personal development coach, a business person without buying into the sales nonsense along with the true nuggets of wisdom
But this was never about accolades or acknowledgment, it was always about self, about understanding and knowing self, about not being afraid
Reaching a milestone comes with it the temptation to sit back and relax, to take a break and chill on the achievement
But one battle does not win the war, just as one date does not make the relationship or one fight makes a warrior
Back to Beginner
The fear is who I think I am
Whether it be media or messed up family, or even shitty school years, the story of not being enough has been repeated, reiterated and reinstated in so many angles that my mind defaults to believing that every time I take a break for an extended period
Every stage of this journey will require a new version of me, with the only things that are usable being the persistence, humility, and ability to suffer to gain that which I desire
I have nothing
I know nothing
I am nothing
At first glance, these words seem self-deprecating but what they do is cleanse the ego of all attachment, for in truth, anything material can easily be taken away
The ego has a purpose, it is not evil nor is it good: it gets you to do better, it keeps you clean, it keeps you striving for more and yes, sometimes it even keeps you safe
But the ego is an animal, a pure beast and it will level the society and scotch the earth if it is left unchecked and not understood but guided and allowed to merely be when the conditions are right, it truly fuels greatness
I have nothing
I know nothing
I am nothing
As Sadhguru once said, “if you are in a dark room, will you not take every step with the utmost caution?”
And so it is if you allow yourself to understand that though you may have things in your name, money in the bank, a spouse that proclaims to be yours and an occupation that is said to be yours
When you allow yourself to have nothing, you now have nothing to protect, nothing to hide, nothing to lie about and everything to gain from taking that risk, from exploring, from searching
If you know nothing, all you can do is learn, you have no point to make, no lesson to teach, only questions to ask and explorations to be made
If you are nothing, then you can become anything you desire, you have no reputation to maintain, protect, nothing to stand for, no grand truth to define yourself by, you just are, as a baby
As the sun is born every morning, cleanse yourself and be as the sun
Protect Your Achievements From You
Fear draws me back into familiarity, into comfort, into competence
It is hard to fail at something I have succeeded in many times before
Thus why musicians want to play the songs they know best
Actors want to act more
Engineers want to create more
It is so safe, comfortable and affirming to double-down on my strengths, keep doing what I know I am good at
Even if sometimes it means destroying that which I have created, pulling my seeds out by the roots, staying a while not playing that song I know so well, spending all that money I worked so hard to accumulate
Just so I can do it again, achieve it again, accumulate the money again, lose the same amount of weight again, even if it is just me playing the same song again, playing the level again, repeating the same stage
It makes me feel competent, validated, valued
Even though the feeling becomes less and less potent each run of the circuit, opponents becoming younger and younger, better and better
It makes me feel better to achieve, even though it’s something I’ve achieved a thousand times before
Only question is: Is It Worth It?
The Leading Domino
Not all orgasms are created the same, not all battles are created the same
Just ask America: won nearly every battle in Vietnam but lost the war, how?
The only thing that’s truly fair in this life is chance, barring that, forget about fairness and pay close attention to the landscape; in any group of people, depending on what you desire from the group you are always more likely to achieve your desire if you win over certain members of others
For example, if you want to seed mutiny, find the disgruntled party
If you want to saw loyalty, convert the most disillusioned person
Wanna influence the group? Influence the leader first
One domino, cascade of results
Leverage
Question to self: how can I make this easier?
Always know that there is a version of anything that you want to do that is far easier than the version subscribed to by the average person, you need to find that version
What or who can you use to multiple results or gain insights that you otherwise would not have had? This is where research comes in handy
You already use this in your daily life, wanna contact someone? You don’t wait until the next time you see them, you leverage your phone to get your message across
You wanna get drunk but don’t wanna spend too much money?
You leverage your social skills to convince others to buy and drink with you because you know that our drinking capacity isn’t the same, thus all will contribute equally but some will drink more than others
As Robert Kiyosaki once said “the second most important word to know is Leverage”
Final Thoughts & Ideas
Victory and achievement of audacious goals is unfamiliar to me, so it’s natural for me to be afraid
Afraid that it was a fluke, a once-off, that I don’t have the strength, creativity or intellect to do it again, to keep doing it, as the levels get harder and harder, more and more complex
But I must
The one true fear that I have is dying with a life unlived, potential unearthed, living with that true dark depth of “what if?”
Fear will continue to try to rob me of doing scary things, I know it’s only trying to protect me but I must do this, if I am going to die anyway, might as well die having lived a life that mattered
Warning: Do Not Live With The Fear Of Loss, You Will Lose It All Anyway
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Croatian – hvala (HVAH-lah)
Voice Of Mechanics 